From the Brain of Matty

long entry (08-Apr-04 9:41 am)

~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECCY!~~

[Friday]
Edgar Allen Poe once wrote a poem, and I dearly love that poem. One line in particular holds a special meaning for me.

".. vainly I had sought to borrow from my books surcease of sorrow .."

I wish I could know surcease of sorrow. I hate depression, but I fear that I am addicted to it. I can't seem to give it up, even though I'm pretty damn sure I know how. And I hate it.
I do have the occasional surcease, I must admit, but happiness to me always seems to fleeting. I know there was once a time when it was the rule, rather than the exception, but I don't remember much at all from those days. And since, all I've really known is this darkness. The night doesn't have a silver lining.
It's half past midnight and I need to get up in the morning, so good night for now.

[Saturday]
Another day waxes full. After dropping Shell off at work I spent most of the morning in our heavily curtained, air-conditioned bedroom reading. I love reading, it's such an escape. But then I had to get up. As soon as I opened the bedroom door the illusion shattered. I have some reprieve from the usual tedium; it's mid-semester and we have a week off from classes... I still have work to do and life to live, but it's not so bad with the break.
I can also feel the season changing. Here in North Queensland we really only have two seasons: the wet, and the dry. Finally, in April (that technically marks the middle of Autumn) I feel the humidity dropping and the sky clearing. It's still almost unbearably hot in the sun, but the nights are pleasant, almost cool. I love the dry season in Townsville; Winter. The cool breezes, the clear blue sky, the occasional chill that gives you an excuse to wear jeans. Ever since I went to New Zealand I've missed the cold. Before that I never really even know it, but being there and seeing snow falling awoke something inside me, something that grew up on the west coast of Ireland affronted by the cold might of the North Atlantic, something that thrived on the highland moors of Scotland braving the cold with little more than a hide wrap. I love this place, but I hate it. I long to return home; to a place I've never been, but a place that deserves the name more than anywhere else I've ever called that. I'll always be an Australian, but I don't think I'll ever be able to truly call Australia home.

[Monday]
Mareeba. I've hardly had a chance to look around or see anything but it's already gotten under my skin. The smell, the feeling of the air... so familiar. It's a good time of year, too. Despite the fact that we're further north, it's much cooler up here. I love the cold.
Anyway, we have an early start, so I'd better get ready for bed.

[Thursday]
Okay, what do I say to sum up the whole week, trip and all? We drove up there & back in THE fanciest car I've ever seen; it had DVD screens in the back of the head rests. I got to sit in the front on the way back, so I listened to Ghostbusters. It's surprisingly entertaining, even without being able to see it.
Mareeba itself was okay, as I mentioned. I never really did get a chance to have a proper look around. The little park beside the fire station looks a lot better now that the plants are fully established. But yeah, like I said, the smell & feeling of the air was so familiar, and so different from Townsville. Very nostalgic.
And we did manage to do a full audit of their computer systems. That's what the whole trip was about, BTW, to do an audit of one of our main clients. I hope it doesn't fall to me (as sysadmin) to do the analysis of it all.
Enough work! What else is there for me to write in my diary? Uni and work, work and uni. You know what's sad? Shell & I were talking last night on the way back from her parents' place (that's not the sad part! This is:) and I was saying about how this week off for me is going to be about catching up on rest, since I'm already pretty much caught up on classwork, and she was saying about how freaked out she's going to be at the end of the semester. I asked her why, was it because she normally kinda freaks & stresses about not having anything to stress about. She said no, because we're getting married then. Uni had totally driven it from my mind! All I could see ahead was the lovely ribbon across the path with the word "finish" on it, not anything even immediately beyond.
I really can't wait until uni is done forever, and my life can become the most important thing in my life once again.
I'm going to move to England when I graduate.
My hand is cramping, so I'll stop writing now.

Ciao!
m�tT��/<

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