From the Brain of Matty

memory lane (22.12.04 10:05 pm)

We're watching Max on pay TV; they just had some 90s thing where every song was from the early-mid nineties, and now they're doing a Powderfinger special. The music is attached to memories in my mind. Not actual memories, more like nostalgic trips - I remember what it was like then, not actual things that happened.

There were four years in particular that were probably the most influential and traumatic in my entire life. 1998 was the most dream-like and was my introduction to everything I've done since. 1999 was the most dark (not only because I slept all day and was up all night). 2000 was the worst year of my life, when one best friend killed himself, another tried, my heart was rent from my body, and I was surrounded by depression and insanity on all sides. And 2001 was the most unreal - not dream like, I know it wasn't a dream, but its the one I have the most trouble remembering, even though it was the most recent.

In '98 I first came to uni, and then went to NZ. In '99 I was in the flat with Mel. In '00 I was "working" for Brett. In '01 I went to the US.

I have very little recollection of anything that happened before all that - you know, high school and stuff. And all my memories (or nostaliga trips or whatever) from those four years just make me depressed. Just hearing certain songs from Odyssey Number 5 make me feel like crying. It's so strange.

I wish I could know what things are buried in my deepest memories - what things are back there that I can't call up, but cause me such pain and sadness whenever I try to look back. I have almost no memories of anything more than a couple of years ago, and I never have. My rear-vision mirror has a set horizon, and no matter how far forward I go, the wall of fog or shadow always keeps up with me, always the same distance away. What weird stuff is stuffed down there near the top of my spinal column that I've locked away even from myself? Is there even anything there? Is it just the shadow of something that I once felt or imagined, that I've never been able to scrub away? What is it, and why does it hurt me so much? Stupid memories. And all those times I tried to wipe it away and start over. Hah. I don't know.

I'm going for a shower or something now, and a cuddle with my wife.

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