From the Brain of Matty

butterfly effect (12.03.07 8:10 pm)

When I'm physically holding her in my arms, and she complains, come and take her off me.

When I'm in a whole other room and you're there with her, and she complains, ignore her or call out and tell Daddy something's wrong.

When she's getting into something she shouldn't, sit at the couch and keep saying "No" over and over again, as if it makes a difference.

Or, not. Learn how to interact with people. And that you don't know everything, and aren't supposed or expected to.

When there is an enclosed space, surrounded by playpen bars, filled with baby toys, that means it's the perfect place to leave your important paperwork/delicate electronic equipment/child friendly glassware and medication.

When you're sitting on the floor watching her, and she crawls at baby pace into the other room, takes up a piece of dry dogfood, and manages to eat it without choking, that's because she's amazingly quick (and not because you were staring slack-jawed at the fucking TV).

When she's right beside you, and you see her climbing up one a precarious edge, with hard/sharp bits, it's perfectly fine to wait until she falls down and seriously hurts herself before reacting.

I don't ever want to leave her under your supervision again. At least not until she can fully fend for herself.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. There's more, but it can wait until I'm not so fucking irritable.

I'm eating Jenny Craig food, because I felt too weak and dizzy to stand there and cook our mince. For some reason, lately, I've felt like this a bit. Really weak and shaky and dizzy. And I don't really feel that hungry. or I do, and I've just gotten used to it. It's not cool.

An hour later... There, finished, and Bridget's asleep.

I was thinking before, in my shower, it'd be really interesting to develop a way of travelling through wormholes or whatever into parallel universes, and changing things in your own past, just to see how things turned out. Full on butterfly effect stuff, but in parallel universes, so you can come home at the end of the day to your beautiful wife and adorable daughter. Not that you probably have either. But I do.

I'd go back 9� years to 1997, and make my young long-haired self be less wussy and more forward with Rocky, just to see if it changes anything. Probably not, but it'd still be interesting to see. It'd be fun, too.

I'd go back to April 1998 and teach myself everything I learned about myself at New Zealand, just before I went there. That would definitely change things. I'd like to see how, and how much.

I'd go back to February 1999 and tell Rosie. Just to have it over and done with. Wouldn't change anything, but I'd probably feel better about it all.

A little later, and I'd tell Kasia what I was thinking. Instead of just playing the guitar, and thinking it.

I'd go back to mid 1999 and just be bluntly honest with Mel. Just to see her reaction. I still don't know how that would have turned out. Probably the same, possibly very different. Who knows.

Or I'd go see myself somewhere around that time, right at the end of the millennium, and make myself go to England. Just to see.

I'd go back to that time in 2000 and change what I said, to "Melbourne's a long way away," or "I don't know.. have to wait and find out," or something like that. That would make a difference, at least for one day.

There are lots of things I'd try out in 2001, just to see how different it makes things. I'd be nicer to Tamara at the bar, and less of an arse with Erin. I'd go to that night at the pool and be completely frank with Molly. I'd convince Ben to spend the night in Ottawa. I'd hang around for my 21st, to thank ~~everyone~~ Ben for everything, and to have a good time with them all. Or Teddy, or .. what was her name? Didi? The road trip book. So many things I'd try differently, just to see how it turned out.

Most of all I'd just make myself be less of an idiot. People wouldn't recognise me, but I'd feel good about it.

But I must say, none of these things are regrets. They're all significant events in my life, and most of them are pivotal moments where things could really have gone in such amazingly different ways. At least, they felt that way to me. I'd like to be able to see if that's really true; if I'd done something else, would it have turned out all that differently? But I'll never know. So instead I'll kiss my daughter goodnight, and go snuggle with my wife, and live the life I've got.

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